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Twenty Five Ti

Reflection

photo credit: dawolf- Time to reflect via photopin (license)

Obligatory Birthday Post.

I like how when nVidia releases a graphics card some have the tag ‘Ti’. I don’t even know what it means but a GTX 1080 Ti has a significant performance boost over the GTX 1080 even though they essentially have the same model number. My guess is that the Ti is what the 1080 was supposed to be had they had more time to work on it but PCMR wouldn’t have any of it. So the 1080 is a good, solid card but the Ti is the ‘ascended’ version.

Likewise, because of how the past year has gone I feel it would be better to call this my 25-Ti’th year rather than the 26th. Actually this post would have been labelled ‘Twenty Six’ had I written it on my birthday but after something happened (which I will NOT go into details here, at least for now) I decided to add Ti to previous page.

Not because the previous year of my life totally blew. It was actually one of my best yet. I’m getting a hang of this freelance thing, I put down my foot more often (in spite of my INFP nature wanting to sacrifice more than I should) and I can now converse properly on phone without zoning out, at least for 5 minutes. Of course they are many other things; things have been smooth, manageable and relatively stress free. Even unpaid invoiced don’t frustrate me as much.

But see that’s the problem. You get too comfortable you start coasting. You start coasting you become complacent. You become complacent you remain where you are. The weird thing with this kind of ‘coasting’ is that you don’t even realize it. After all, you’re doing work, you’re pursuing clients; you’re not just letting life pass by. “I’m doing my part, I’m okay.” That’s dangerous. That’s selfish. And more importantly, that’s a far cry from God’s Will.

I’d never really thought about it till last Sunday, when the weirdest thing happened. Have you ever had a full conversation with some that lasted only 1 second? I did. I usually tell people that I can look into someone’s eyes and hear what they are saying regardless of the word coming out of their mouths, or even when they aren’t speaking. But the way the one on Sunday happened I’m still recovering from it.

It’s probably not a good idea to give details of this person (at this stage anyway) but it’s someone I’ve come to respect and have taken an interest in. It was just in passing but one look into this person’s eyes and I was suddenly so aware of how ‘comfortable’ I was. How I was limiting myself. How I wouldn’t push myself if I was okay with what I had.

Is that all? Is this what ‘the great Juniboy’ amounts to?

Probably the greatest turning point in my life was when I finally understood how much God loved me, regardless of my actions. Even if I decided to close up shop and live under a bridge He wouldn’t love me less. But what I had lost sight of was the other people I should be helping, the others I should be blessing, the others that are looking up to me. This isn’t a need to please others. Nor is it peer pressure. In fact I’m actually proud of my ‘peer pressure’-less life. But how unfortunate would it be if you were to die with someone’s miracle in your soul? How awful would it be if I had the solution to World Hunger and I just decided to coast; after all life is great, right? How scary. How terrifying.

So my 25 year was great. I did help out some guys. I did in my small way cause some significant impact. Just like the GTX 1080, which is a great card; a high end graphics churning monster. But it isn’t a Ti, that just churns better, and is the 1080’s true form. One look into this person’s eyes and the message was clear:

Life isn’t just about you anymore.

Weirdly though I think it’s only babies that think everything’s only about them. They don’t care if you just went to sleep after a long day; if he/she wants attention you will respond.

I probably met an angel on Sunday. Oh well. 

Beautiful Darkside

A song from the album Phoenix by The Classic Crime

The faster I find the bottom
The sooner I turn it around
It seems as though I forgot
Just how far down
That I can go in an instant
And I can take you there
And I can take all my friends and family and I won’t care

Cause I have the most reckless heart when I try
I have the most beautiful darkside
I need to find some meaning
Something true to believe in
Cause left to my own devices
The Beautiful darkside wins
The beautiful darkside wins

Always one for a good time
Always one for extremes
Until the fabric of life starts tearing at the seams
And I can never remember
When it started to turn
I just simply forget all of the things I’ve learned

Cause I have the most reckless heart when I try
I have the most beautiful darkside
I need to find some meaning
Something true to believe in
Cause left to my own devices
The Beautiful darkside wins
The beautiful darkside wins

Some day I will die (Have I just…)
Could be today or tonight (…Wasted time?)
The truth is I’m terrified
Have I just wasted time?
Wasted time
Have I just wasted time?

Cause I have the most reckless heart when I try
I have the most beautiful darkside
I need to find some meaning
Something true to believe in
I’m terrified of seeing
The beautiful darkside win
The beautiful darkside win

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