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I started this blog not really for people to read, but as a form of release to cope with a campus life that demanded interaction and heavy socialization. Probably that’s why I don’t post as much, or don’t feel the need to. That’s because I’m a freelancer; I have my own hours and prescribe my own social activity. The INFP dream, right? Well yeah, until I took a trip I woke up every morning dreading; a trip that would require me to spend 24 hours with strangers (okay not strangers but people I don’t know very well). 3 people is usually my limit; anything over that my brain goes into hyper-drive – collecting data signals from people, noticing what they’re responding to and how… I don’t even plan to analyse people it just happens. Like don’t ask me why, I’ve been that way for as long as I could start describing things with actual words. The eyes that see all with ears that hear everything; I used to think it was a gift. I won’t say it’s not because it has its perks, but that’s a story for another day.

There’s only one other time I’ve felt this overwhelming urge to write; and that was my Japan trip. Looks like travel really does ‘push’ me to write, among other things. I still find it amazing, what a trip ‘away from it all’ can do for you, or to you. As in there’s taking time off, and there’s really taking time off. Looks like I really needed that; it’s almost like a pipe unclogged somewhere in my mind that let out all sorts of things; some things I never even knew were there. So this is my attempt to ‘let it all out’, amidst a receding  emotional hangover, lest the deadly INFP spirals ensue. Forgive the incoherence.

I am a dreamer. My imagination runs WILD. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that nearly everything I ever thought up could never live up to what I see in my mind. And so with time I developed a [coping?] habit of ‘toning down the fairy tales’ to guard against disappointment, which leads to frustration, which can lead to unwarranted depression. BUT. How often do you form a picture of something, in your mind, or someone, and the reality of it trumps it? Got me questioning my level of creativity –  lol. How is it possible to have the ‘proverbial fairy tale’ image, particularly of a person, totally match up to the person in reality? Have I been given a license to dream  again without restrictions?

Okay the imagination is reactivated now, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is indeed crazy, and crazy being relative means you don’t really know how to ‘let people in’ on what’s going on up there. People all around making jokes and striking up convos, and I’m just there thinking of what would be appropriate. Particularly in the presence of a queen. And then when you finally find a piece of that crazy worth sharing you want to let it out, but you have to choose the words that you don’t stutter with; aaand by the time that’s done you’ve thought so much that you start second-guessing whether it’s worth sharing.

But you see, this dam has been building up for quite a while now. There’s SO FREAKING MUCH to give; loyalty, love, potatoes, care. I have been here before; I opened the spillways just a bit. Yeah like that could happen. INFPs are all in when it comes to giving, to a fault. And the ending is never pretty. It’s ghastly. At one point I was to just board it up completely, till I saw what happens when you aren’t afraid to try. Is this me willing to open the gates? Yes.. No.. I don’t know. What I know is that I’m not afraid anymore.

Well, sitting in a vehicle all looking in the same direction is easy, but then you reach your destination and suddenly you are very aware of your every move. How you’re walking, sitting posture, eating, drinking water. A part of me thinks I’ve been behind cameras for far too long, but another part of me remembers being the poster child of the middle child stereotype. I mean what are the chances that you are the middle child when you count your siblings from your own mum (2nd in 3) AND counting your siblings from your 2 step moms (7th in 13)? The photos I am in are countable; not all of it intentional by the way.. I remember once people went for a party and forgot I was around (huh). I wouldn’t describe myself as a loner; more like a social ninja.

We were in Kitale, my comfort zone was in Timbuktu. Way out there. And just like in Japan, my brain just opened up; like another level just got unlocked with all these new possibilities and thought processes. At one point I was buzzing so much I had to withdraw a little just to recollect myself. It seemed mundane but these are the inner workings no one else could see.

And even amidst all the jubilation, the mental drain from just being around people; I had something I’ve not heard in quite a while. Clarity. Because I was thinking without interruption. Because I had to think everything through, from conversation lines to what to laugh at (huh?)

This isn’t a lamentation. This is a beautiful realization, that the reason I haven’t experienced anything new in the last two years is because I haven’t ‘experienced anything new’. Started out as something I was doing to help out a good friend; turns out I’m the one who got the help I much needed. Help I didn’t even know I needed.

It’s fascinating what your brain can do, when set in a different environment, surrounded by animated camaraderie, in the presence of royalty and no safety net to fall back on.

So, is this what it feels like to be alive again?

Looks like I’m done running.

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Courtesy: Achapeinn.com

I had a dream;
I was all alone; in a box, a pitch black box. I wasn’t sure if I had put myself in there, or if they had put me in there; but I was there nonetheless. Cold, dark, lonely; i wanted to cry out, not that I couldn’t, but I didn’t. The darkness was my home, the cold my shelter. This was my space, my place. I figured I’d just stop fighting; its okay to lose…

Yet at that moment the box began to move, it began to drop; it was an elevator… Maybe it wasn’t; but I was descending; descending at a steady pace. Flickers of light making their way through; darkness was dissipating. I as sank further, I made out figures of people, couples holding hands, giggling… They looked at me, and smiled. They were beaming; i wasn’t sure why. Then I noticeably slowed down, I was reaching the bottom..

I heard a voice; “there she is…”

‘Who?’ I asked.
“…”
But there she was. Her beaming smile putting darkness to flight. She was warm. And as she held out her hand, time began to freeze; as if to give me a chance to think, to consider, to hesitate, to be sure; I am the second-guesser.

This time it was different. This time, more than ever, I wanted this. With all the life in me, I grabbed that hand, with zero intent to let go; not now not ever. And just like that, all the doubts; all the ‘if’s and ‘what if’s, all the plan B’s, dissolved. Into thin air, into clear water, they were gone; they were no longer necessary. Like when two fists of ninja clash and the intent in their hearts is made clear; the feeling of our two hands touching connected the feelings of our two hearts. At that moment, something was passed. It rushed through my body, my sub conscience, my soul; like a drug, with a calming, yet reassuring effect. I’m not letting go.

Words were never uttered; they weren’t needed. But they loudly reverberated within my being.

“It’s going to be okay; because I love you too.”

Dareka ga – Puffy

Here’s a song I picked up from the ending of the third Naruto Shippuuden movie: The inheritors of the Will of Fire, entitled Dareka ga meaning ‘Somebody’. To be honest, you’ll never here a better ‘sermon’ on friendship than that movie. Kishimoto is a philosopher in his own like. 😉

Ah it’s getting cloudy
Didn’t want to eat the doughnuts
Why is that hole there?
It’s cute

No-one tells me, but I know

If someone is crying, give them a hug
That’s all it takes
If someone is laughing, pat their shoulder
That’s all it takes

The sun came out, huh
Let’s run to where we can
It’s in the dumpling shop
Let’s drink tea there

Where did the setting sun fall to?
To the opposite side of that girl’s heart

If someone is falling apart, snap them out of it
That’s all it takes
If someone stands up, support them
That’s all it takes

I saw the place we should go to
The truth is, I knew from the beginning
What I was lost on was obvious

If someone is crying, give them a hug
That’s all it takes
If someone is laughing, pat their shoulder
That’s all it takes
If someone is falling apart, snap them out of it
That’s all it takes
If someone stands up, support them
That’s all it takes

Everybody needs somebody

Simply just be

Hey, this is the first entry from our new writer…the reborn poet

I saw you, you saw me and i knew I could be. You sat there I sat here and I knew we’d be great. I said hi you said hi and there it began.

You talked and my heart felt it and I knew I could grow and become much more. You told my story through your own words; you felt my darkness and confusion in your blood and I knew I could be.

Your faith was mine your laughter resounded in my ears your tears fell on my cheeks and together we lived as one in different places.

Do you understand how you came in and changed the colours of my heart? Maybe you do! Unforgettable to me intruiging and in our brief reality filled with utopia it was a moment for you and I to move on more up be and be, and simply just be

What is Love?

So what is love?

Is it a noun, that we can specifically describe? Or could it be a verb, that needs actions to be justified? Is love hate in workclothes? Or is it that piece of porcelain that was chipped off your broken heart that you still share with the one who shattered it? Could it be that feeling of being cornered to a wall when you’re afraid of a bond savouring? Or is it that tension that builds up in you when that bond appears to be savoured? Is it the fear of losing someone, or the fear of finding that same person who you are scared of losing?

Is it the warm sensation from a smile that you know will never wane? Is it the passion that burns from the eyes, that makes you all mushy inside? Could it be that only sigh that escapes your mouth leaving a smile? Is it that which makes everything else irrelevant, or is it the only relevant thing?

You choose

The fear of a genius

*If you can make this up, you’re good. May be confusing.

Gasp

Alone. Dark. Cold. Silence. No life; no flora no fauna…just him. The pestering he loved was gone. So were those who needed help. And the heartbroken too. The world grew larger, or so he thought. And so he gathered the little strength he had and stood up. Started walking towards the faint light ahead.

He approaches. It leads to a dimly lit corridor. On the walls, posters. Banners. Graffiti tattooed all over with his name in context. For all the wrong reasons. “MIA”. “Buster”. “Liar”. “Cheat”. “Loser”. “Trash”. “Waste of space”.A god of his kind had been reduced to nought. With no explanation; no reason; no cause. He had become average. He walks down the Hall of Shame in disbelief..

He gets to a door. He opens it. Bright light stuns him. Headache. His eyes adjust. The world at large; more splendid than before; full of life and vigour..but he is sad. He’s right in the midst of the human traffic. But he’s invisible. No one sees him. Even they that badly needed him; that depended on him for survival…that bond was savoured. He gets slighty happy when a man knocks him and he and falls to the dirt. And when he gets up, he makes up the sign the man hung on his neck. “Free hugs”. He needed someone to realise him. Nil. He hates the world. His work is done. He figured it was time for him to die. That solitude. That feeling of being unwanted; invisible; “a waste of space” was unbearable. No one to care; no one to be cared for. No one to love, no one to be loved by. “Why am I here?” “If the world is already a better place, then what’s my purpose for living?” And he decides that he might be of use in the afterlife, for the world no longer needs him.

But he wakes up. From the nightmare. Sweating. His aching head feels twice the size. And so does his heart. Another chance to prove his worth. And so he goes forth, burning with the flame of youth, broad minded and open hearted. For he’s still scared…but he knows what he must do.

The price of being a genius

Bonds

A chemical bond. The ionic one in particular; occurs when an atom loses electrons from its outer shell. When one is lost, the bond becomes twice as strong as it was before. And the resulting bond will require more energy to break than the previous one….but that’s not the point.

You see, people behave in almost the same way. When one bond with a loved one is lost, the existing ones increase in strength. Maybe two fold; maybe a hundred, but we cling to them far much more than before. Im not sure why; maybe the fear of losing another subconsciously pushes us to prevent another from breaking, even if at times it’s beyond our power. But that’s who we are, human; having an inner need to show others that we care, no matter how slight. In some its greater; these are the ones we refer to as being ‘protective.’ In others it may not even show, but it is there; yes, it will show at one point, when you least expect it. No one is fully bad, even 2% good can overcome 98% bad when its from the heart, the same way a candle can light a room in an instant.

And so I conclude that humans were made to love each other. Hate makes love stronger; loss makes love stronger.

Porcelain hearts, only the One who created them knows better.

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