I dreamt I stood on a hill that I wished was a mountain
To look back on all my accomplishments
Well they must have been small because I couldn’t seem to find them
So I took a leap off of the precipice
The Classic Crime – Phoenix
I like such bands as The Classic Crime because their lyrics are so beautifully written that you are forced to sort of meditate upon them – owning them, and at one point they begin to make some eerie form of sense. Because you find out it’s what your heart has been screaming all this time but never really had the words to give it form.
For those who work out, or have worked out, you know of the legend of ‘the never moving watch’. Particularly if you haven’t worked out in a while or.. ever. You start all fired up, and when the lungs begin banging your chest as if they want to escape you glance at your stopwatch to see how much time you’ve put in; only to find it’s been barely two minutes. Huh? *pant pant*
I had such a moment recently (well, a little over a month ago; this post’s kinda dated), when I had put in so much work; not just ‘work work-wise’ (I do websites btw), but also socially and other areas of life that are easily forgotten by an INFP, and then looking back, I couldn’t really point to a major accomplishment or something that’s worth a pat on the back. I felt like I was moving mountains and navigating huge storms. But as Matt McDonald puts it, as he stood on that hill looking at his accomplishments they seemed pretty insignificant. What a kick in the nuts.
At that point you have to make a decision: you either decide it’s not worth it and give up, or you double (and I seriously mean double) your efforts and push on. With the first option you get to rest and continue as normal. And that’s okay, if you’re okay with normal. But more and more I’m beginning to be aware of the tremendous amount of effort it requires to get to goals set. That’s the part these ‘motivational speakers’ leave out, or if they don’t they don’t emphasize it enough. They’ll tell you ‘go on you can do it’! Then maybe slide a little ‘you have to work for it’ then continue with an even louder ‘YOU CAN DO IT!’ Every breakthrough requires a significant amount of force.
But the thing with ‘breaking through’ is that you don’t really know what’s on the other side. One plus one will always equal two, but that’s not necessarily how life works. From experience you can do everything right and in the end still fall short, whereas someone else will skimp through a number of stages and get better results than you. So I’ll conclude that you just don’t really know whether your efforts will be rewarded, or get thrown back in your face.
So there you are, standing on the cliff thinking of whether to jump, not knowing if your wings will work, or if they work, how far they can carry you, or if they’re actually a strong pair, whether they’ll take you to the place you’ve always wanted. There a lot of things at play, mainly because once you jump off there’s no rewind button, no going back.
But there’s more….
A precipice is pretty high, so frighteningly high that if you arrived at that point then you arrived with good reason. Maybe you’re a thrill seeker. Maybe you want to start being a thrill seeker. Or maybe you’re just done with being the Mayor of Mediocre Town and are looking for literally anything else, better or worse. A hint of desperation but with dignity intact. Because unlike the rest in Mediocre Town, you have the guts to look for something different.
What do you do?
FYI I jumped; probably one more to add to my collection of dumb moves, but looks like I’m learning how to fly. And when you’re falling, you learn to fly pretty fast.
Right so the obligatory end of year post.
This year was the year I decided to cast aside all pretending and search for answers to questions I’ve had pretty much all my life, but have never been answered. Why this year? Because this was the year that the ‘independent’ part of life was to begin. So you can’t just get by with ‘oh it will work out’ without knowing exactly how or , ‘just do it, if it works for them then it will work for you’, without knowing why. It was the year I decided to put a stop to pretty words of of reassurance and motivation, without having a proper way forward.
Weird thing though, I’m an INFP. We’re supposed to be the dreamy type with incredible ideals without thinking too much about how it’s going to work. So trying to trim these dreams down to only what seems logical just seems.. ‘un-me’. But fantasies had to stop. I had questions and I was finally demanding answers, no matter how late (relative) it may seem.
First off, religion. I am a born again Christian, and I do believe in Jesus. I have been active in church for as long as I remember. But it reached a point where just doing a set of things and ‘hoping for the best’ wasn’t cutting. This part is hard to explain but I’ll take you through all my reasoning.
“We are God’s creation. We are His children. So why do we have to do all these things just to get His attention? If an earthly father did the same wouldn’t we call him wicked? ” ” I was taught that prayer was talking to God, but it does seem that most of prayer time is yelling at Him about what we don’t want the Devil or our enemies to do.Weird conversation huh.” “God doesn’t listen to sinners; so how do people repent?” “Why exactly did Jesus come if the ‘ideal’ way of having a relationship with God is the same as before He came? Is the name of Jesus just a punctuation in prayer? Was he just to forgive our sins? He came just for that? REALLY?” “So I guess you other struggle without Christ or struggle to leave up to this unreal expectations the Bible has. Wait, only that not every one without Christ appears to be struggling.. so why I’m in this anyway?? ‘If he dies he’ll go to hell but you wont’ how is that even an answer ?” And finally this massive one. “God is my Father, I don’t deny that. Why I’m I so reliant on other people (no matter how close they are to Him) to hear what he’s saying about me? If the only way I had to communicate with my earthy father was through his senior most assistant or best friend, wouldn’t that make make him a very questionable figure?”
As I was spiraling out of control, thinking what’t the point of it all, I stumbled on this Bible teacher; well, not stumbled upon but his name had been at the back of my mind for quite a while but never really gave it much attention. Particularly because most of the pastors are basically the same (with the exception of a few); and it doesn’t help when you know a sizeable chunk of what they do when others aren’t seeing. Anyway, he’s called Andrew Wommack and from the first teaching of his I could tell that this was exactly what I was looking for, answers!
You see others had ‘answers’ but their answers were either of their own knowledge or scriptures taken completely out of context. Like I used to ask, ‘which kind goes not out but by prayer and fasting?’ and the answer I would get was that ‘ some specific demons or really big diseases or situations’ only that you can’t justify that through the Bible. Then to wrap it up they throw in the ‘whatsoever he tells you to do, do it’. Man.. Anyway back to answers (btw he did answer this question, and the answer was right there. the kind was unbelief lol). This Andrew guy explained scripture so well and plainly that I felt I had been cheated my entire life!
“Why are we doing these things to get His attention?” We have his attention! That’s why Jesus came! “Okay that still doesn’t explain all these stuff we have to do in order for God to bless us”. But He’s already blessed us! “These are great things you’re saying, but if I’ve already been blessed then why can’t I see it? ” Well, if I ask you for something that you have already given me, what would your response be like? Wow is that why I think God is silent?
That’s just a tip of the iceberg we’re talking major major answers and revelations; even what’s more boggling is that the answers are from scriptures I’ve read so many times!
Wow, so WordPress tells me those are round 825 words; clearly I had a lot to say about that because the basis of peace starts from the spirit. And with that guy’s teachings, along with a few others I picked along the way, I’ve been completely transformed. Answers I’ve been looking for for 10 years I found in 12 months. Amazing. I can assuredly say I’m ‘A Christian ‘(one who’s in a relationship with God after reconciliation by Jesus) and not ‘Christian’ (just going through the norms and traditions, just because you have to).
That was the unlearning part. Now for the tryharding. Yes, that’s a word.
I started my business in April. Everything was going fairly well; I had a few clients under my belt and money was flowing. Well, until money stopped in September. See this was about the time I had planned to move out, IF the cash flow was constant. So frustration was building, and with frustration comes desperation. I remember chasing an invoice so hard I must have actually wreaked of desperation. And it was from a relative. Something just didn’t fit.
Let me just say at this point that battles are lost when one side becomes desperate. And people forget about God and what He’s doing just when He’s ‘outdone’ himself. I was doing great work and cheques were coming in and I was like, yes, this is it. I’m doing it. I gave God thanks and moved on. So I was really shocked when my cashflow completely stopped and even a relative wouldn’t want to pay a measly $100 for work done.
God wasn’t silent; He’d actually been speaking and I was ignoring. And as I almost had it (again LOL) with this business life, I had a teaching by Andrew (surprise) entitled an excellent spirit. Then another followed (can’t remember the name because they gelled so well) that made me ask myself, who really is my source? God or people? Then I realized that I was being frustrated because I saw people as my source and not God. And it’s veery easy to do because you can clearly see someone writing a check and .. well.. I’ve never like… seen God so.. It can get tricky.
So. I decided you know what, every job I do will be as unto God and I will wait for His reward. And as weird as it may seem, that was the last invoice I chased. Cash flow resumed and it’s now people reminding me that they want to finish payments. I don’t know does that happen? Never seen it before lol!
2016 has been a great experience. I’ve heard to unlearn a ton (basically 90% of what I knew as a Christian) and live as a human ‘being’ not a human ‘doing’, as well as approaching God not based on what I have done but by what Jesus has done for me; my head is just that much clearer and spirit is at peace. I finally have this freelance thing going well, and I’m not forcing stuff and just flowing in God’s grace.
As I close in what seems to be my longest post ever (WOW), I’d like to thank Gilmore Girls for coming back and Beauden Barrett for being.. Beauden Barrett.
My heart still weeps for Aleppo. I hope peace prevails next year.
Shoutouts to Matt McDonald, Lacey Sturm and Gungor for amazing music this year.
I feel I’m forgetting something; but if you’ve read this far grab yourself a cookie. I didn’t even proofread xD
Happy New Year !