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Disappear – Part 1

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Sometimes I feel it would be easier to just disappear; to go to the stars and find a new world, my own little world I could call home. But it was never about me, and perhaps never will be.

Lately I’ve been haunted by a dream I had a while back. It’s been on my mind more than I’d like it to; more than I’d like to admit. There’s a certain ‘vividness’ that just doesn’t wane.

I had just met this girl, bright as the morning. You could see a fire that burned within her; the power that could change the world within her eyes. We talked. Or I l listened; can’t remember. What I do remember, is as I bid her farewell, as I raised my arm in a nonchalant wave, almost as to give a signal, a spear whizzed past my ear, and drove right through her chest, with such vigor that it flung her some paces back. Horror gripped me, so tight I could feel my heart struggling to beat within its slowly closing icy hands. My hair must have turned white.

I ran to her side. I wanted to save her. No, I had to save her. She was dying; the light, the power diminishing within her eyes. I had to save her. I’ve heard of this place before; a certain point when time seems to freeze, where there’s only you and something that must be done; you don’t really think about what’s possible or what’s impossible. There is only what you must do.

But it’s a dream. There has to be a way out, right? I left her side, as her friends, her family, her colleagues, began surrounding her, saying their goodbye’s. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Even she wasn’t ready to say goodbye. So much was unfinished. Untapped. I just had to save her.

I encountered an angel. Or maybe it was a sorceress. I didn’t care. All that mattered was whether she could do the job; whether she could bring her back to life. With conditions; not sure. But I didn’t care. She could save her. When the darkness encompasses you, you grab onto the first hand that reaches out, even if it’s the devil’s. I didn’t care. She could save her.

We got back, to people mourning and animating sorrow. I quickly led this ‘savior’ to her side, pulling her hand with a firm grip, all the while fighting back the tears that would flow on my outside, and the sheer devastation trying to sweep over my inside. We pushed through the crowd, and when we got there she had indeed died. Her body cold, her eyes empty. My eyes, well, my eyes gave in, bursting their banks, and the tears flowed freely, even though I had arrived with an answer. My savior gently put her hands on the girl’s forehead and he skin quickly regained its color. She sat up, alive. I’d gotten her back. People’s cries turned to jubilation, and the tears that were flowing had a new meaning.

The crowd thronged with even more intensity; it was so intense I had to step back. Perhaps I needed to recollect myself. She got hugs from her friends and family. Her smile. That smile that could illuminate even the darkest corners of the earth. She was alive. Such relief. Such sweet relief.

I wiped my tears, gathered up the little strength I had, and approached her. Her eyes had the same intensity. The same enchanting power. Yet, somehow they were different.

She looked at me. She saw me. But she didn’t know me.

She didn’t know me?

I felt out of place real quick. Very self-aware. Everyone was staring. No one was sure of what was happening. I wanted the ground to give way. And after a few minutes of awkwardness, she smiled to her family and requested that she be taken home. They obliged. They passed by my still standing figure, but if felt that they passed right through me, ripping away a part of me as they went. It did feel like I was significantly less than I was a few minutes ago.

I looked back, at least to catch a glimpse of those eyes one last time. She was alive. She was happy. She was smiling. She wanted nothing to do with me, but she was alright.

And I was okay with that.

I remember waking from that dream extremely puzzled, but I didn’t think much of it, until recently. It’s like it planted a seed, and now that seed is a full grown flower that’s just begging for attention.

Everytime I think about it I come to the same conclusion.

Sometimes I feel it could be easier to just disappear; to go to the stars and find a new world, my own little world I could call home. But it is never about me, and probably never will be.

That was, That is, and Myself

*This post has been delayed severally because the content keeps morphing in my head; but now the wine’s breathed enough and you can all drink*

photo credit: Pannonius♛ via photopin cc

Photo Credit: Pannonius♛ via photopin cc

So, of all my 23 years on this earth I’d say that 2014 must have been the weirdest of all. Okay maybe ‘weird’ isn’t the proper word but I still think it’s the closest when you want to describe a year full of eye squints and ‘okaaaaay’ moments… No, no, by all means 2014 was a great year; I finally graduated and finished the school part of my life (for now?) and started doing my own stuff (which isn’t ready for the public just yet), but lets just say what I had predicted the year to be was totally different from ho it turned out. Like when you’re sure you’re getting a glass of orange juice but it turns out to be pineapple juice instead; both are delicious but just different, with one having a tad more calories.

Then I began to take stock; to analyze what I’ve been doing with my life. And I noticed for the passed seven years or so I’ve spent a huge amount of time and a lot of energy helping people achieve their dreams. I’m pretty good at it; I’m a qualified and probably the best dream achieving sidekick you’ll ever find, but what I noticed is I’ve been spending so much time and energy helping others out, that my own dreams have stalled. I’m an INFP so yo can imagine exactly how many dreams I have. But also because I’m INFP it means my energy is limited so I can only do so much during a day. Am I blaming my ‘dreams on hold’ situation’ on helping others? Certainly not! I love helping people! Even if [most of the time] it’s not reciprocated; I’m okay with that. But that’s the question I had been asking myself towards the end of 2014 –  who’s gonna help me with my dreams? Should I stop my assistance outwards and help myself for a while?

I was at a point where I was giving up on people and their [stupid] promises. I got tired of people not understanding and decided you know what, to hell with everyone. It’s my life I’ll do what I want and what I think is best of me. Forget people and their ‘it’s not gonna work’ or their opinions on what ‘suits my lifestyle’. Yeah, I’m not going to sit down and hear someone lecture me on being me. [Seriously]. So I had decided that this year, well, people just had to sort themselves out. Because I have my own stuff to deal with. I didn’t really care if I came off mean or selfish; I know I’m not so their opinion is the least of my concern (always has been). Originally this post would have ended on this tone, but then something even more weird happened at the beginning of the year; a single action that reminded me of a lot of stuff and why this approach just won’t work!

I’m not going to tell you exactly what happened (it’s pretty trivial; this one’s for me), but I can share the forgotten lessons I had relearned. One, you can NEVER stop believing in people. Because if you do the world’s gonna eat you alive. Two, if you’re good at helping people, then keep at it. The world has an acute shortage of that type of person. And three, those principles you’ve lived by; the ones you use to make decisions when stranded and the ones that have made you reach where you are today, you can NEVER let go of them. Because when you do it’s over; all your past decisions will come back to you and you’ll begin to doubt every single step you’ve made up till now. That’s a spiral you’re better off avoiding.

So no, I’m not cutting off people. In fact I’m going to help out even more. I just have to find the balance and see what happens. Because sadness is contagious. I feel its going to be a great year.

Phoebe, MD: Medicine & Poetry

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