Category Archives: Random thought

Completely random.

Hotchpotch

pexels-photo-66757.jpeg

Photo by Serkan Göktay from Pexels 

I started this blog not really for people to read, but as a form of release to cope with a campus life that demanded interaction and heavy socialization. Probably that’s why I don’t post as much, or don’t feel the need to. That’s because I’m a freelancer; I have my own hours and prescribe my own social activity. The INFP dream, right? Well yeah, until I took a trip I woke up every morning dreading; a trip that would require me to spend 24 hours with strangers (okay not strangers but people I don’t know very well). 3 people is usually my limit; anything over that my brain goes into hyper-drive – collecting data signals from people, noticing what they’re responding to and how… I don’t even plan to analyse people it just happens. Like don’t ask me why, I’ve been that way for as long as I could start describing things with actual words. The eyes that see all with ears that hear everything; I used to think it was a gift. I won’t say it’s not because it has its perks, but that’s a story for another day.

There’s only one other time I’ve felt this overwhelming urge to write; and that was my Japan trip. Looks like travel really does ‘push’ me to write, among other things. I still find it amazing, what a trip ‘away from it all’ can do for you, or to you. As in there’s taking time off, and there’s really taking time off. Looks like I really needed that; it’s almost like a pipe unclogged somewhere in my mind that let out all sorts of things; some things I never even knew were there. So this is my attempt to ‘let it all out’, amidst a receding  emotional hangover, lest the deadly INFP spirals ensue. Forgive the incoherence.

I am a dreamer. My imagination runs WILD. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that nearly everything I ever thought up could never live up to what I see in my mind. And so with time I developed a [coping?] habit of ‘toning down the fairy tales’ to guard against disappointment, which leads to frustration, which can lead to unwarranted depression. BUT. How often do you form a picture of something, in your mind, or someone, and the reality of it trumps it? Got me questioning my level of creativity –  lol. How is it possible to have the ‘proverbial fairy tale’ image, particularly of a person, totally match up to the person in reality? Have I been given a license to dream  again without restrictions?

Okay the imagination is reactivated now, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is indeed crazy, and crazy being relative means you don’t really know how to ‘let people in’ on what’s going on up there. People all around making jokes and striking up convos, and I’m just there thinking of what would be appropriate. Particularly in the presence of a queen. And then when you finally find a piece of that crazy worth sharing you want to let it out, but you have to choose the words that you don’t stutter with; aaand by the time that’s done you’ve thought so much that you start second-guessing whether it’s worth sharing.

But you see, this dam has been building up for quite a while now. There’s SO FREAKING MUCH to give; loyalty, love, potatoes, care. I have been here before; I opened the spillways just a bit. Yeah like that could happen. INFPs are all in when it comes to giving, to a fault. And the ending is never pretty. It’s ghastly. At one point I was to just board it up completely, till I saw what happens when you aren’t afraid to try. Is this me willing to open the gates? Yes.. No.. I don’t know. What I know is that I’m not afraid anymore.

Well, sitting in a vehicle all looking in the same direction is easy, but then you reach your destination and suddenly you are very aware of your every move. How you’re walking, sitting posture, eating, drinking water. A part of me thinks I’ve been behind cameras for far too long, but another part of me remembers being the poster child of the middle child stereotype. I mean what are the chances that you are the middle child when you count your siblings from your own mum (2nd in 3) AND counting your siblings from your 2 step moms (7th in 13)? The photos I am in are countable; not all of it intentional by the way.. I remember once people went for a party and forgot I was around (huh). I wouldn’t describe myself as a loner; more like a social ninja.

We were in Kitale, my comfort zone was in Timbuktu. Way out there. And just like in Japan, my brain just opened up; like another level just got unlocked with all these new possibilities and thought processes. At one point I was buzzing so much I had to withdraw a little just to recollect myself. It seemed mundane but these are the inner workings no one else could see.

And even amidst all the jubilation, the mental drain from just being around people; I had something I’ve not heard in quite a while. Clarity. Because I was thinking without interruption. Because I had to think everything through, from conversation lines to what to laugh at (huh?)

This isn’t a lamentation. This is a beautiful realization, that the reason I haven’t experienced anything new in the last two years is because I haven’t ‘experienced anything new’. Started out as something I was doing to help out a good friend; turns out I’m the one who got the help I much needed. Help I didn’t even know I needed.

It’s fascinating what your brain can do, when set in a different environment, surrounded by animated camaraderie, in the presence of royalty and no safety net to fall back on.

So, is this what it feels like to be alive again?

Looks like I’m done running.

Advertisements

The Battle Series: Train

//The Battle Series is a collection of posts on what I feel is the best way to challenge situations in life. Applicable anywhere and everywhere.

//Part one of the Battle Series:

training

Photo Credit: mastery via photopin (license)

We aspire. We train. We go through hell to master only the best and most efficient of techniques, preparing for that one battle. That one battle that ultimately will produce only two kinds of people at the end; a victor and a loser.
No one steps in the ring with the intention of being knocked out. No teams run out onto the field, with their fans cheering them on and singing their praises, with the desire to lose. We all want to win, but for that someone must lose.

What is this criterion then that justifies the loser? Did one opponent prepare less than the other? Did one opponent master less efficient techniques? What if two people of equal ability were pitched against each other; what would justify the loser?

But no two people are alike. We all have different bodies and capable of different things. So even if we did undergo the same training from the same master under the same conditions, there’s a chance I’d still have an upper hand over you, or the other way round. Because our bodies responded to the training differently, not mentioning the innate strength and intuition we possess.

So, it may be possible that one may be advantaged or disadvantaged right out of the womb, inclining one to think that life may be unfair from the start. But is that the case? Certainly not. The purpose of training is to buff what you already have; it’s just the one of the steps in the 1000 mile journey.

Training unlocks what you’re capable of. But not what you’re truly capable of.

Wind – Akeboshi

Ok, this is a song by one of the greatest Japanese musicians I know, Yoshio Akeboshi. Its the 1st ending song of Naruto but it’s a hit of a lifetime.

Sung and written by Akeboshi
Cultivate your hunger before you idealize.
Motivate your anger to make them all realize.
Climbing the mountain, never coming down.
Break into the contents, never falling down.

My knee is still shaking, like I was twelve,
Sneaking out of the classroom, by the back door.
A man railed at me twice though, but I didn’t care.
Waiting is wasting for people like me.

Don’t try to live so wise.
Don’t cry ’cause you’re so right.
Don’t dry with fakes or fears,
‘Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

You say, “Dreams are dreams.
“I ain’t gonna play the fool anymore.”
You say, “‘Cause I still got my soul.”

Take your time, baby, your blood needs slowing down.
Breach your soul to reach yourself before you gloom.
Reflection of fear makes shadows of nothing, shadows of nothing.

You still are blind, if you see a winding road,
‘Cause there’s always a straight way to the point you see.

Don’t try to live so wise.
Don’t cry ’cause you’re so right.
Don’t dry with fakes or fears,
‘Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

Again, I have the lyrics off head but these ones are courtesy of animelyrics.com

Friends

I have friends. I have a friend who’s way older than me. I have a friend who’s way younger than me. I have a friend who laughs for no good reason; I have one who’s always serious. I have one who’s a retard; and another who thinks he’s a genius. I have a friend that can’t shut up and I have a friend that talks real slow. I have a friend who’s got my back; and I have a friend that stabbed it. I have a friend who I wish to see even now, I have one that i’m shy of.  I have a friend who I haven’t seen since kindergarten; and I have one I may never see in a long timeI have a friend who I have a crush on [and so I can only wave 😦 ]; I have another who has a crush on me. I have another who I can’t have a crush on; and yet another who doesn’t believe in crushes. I have a friend who’s crazy, and another who’s a friend of crazy. I have a friend who’s my mentor, i have one who I mentor. There’s a friend I especially love, and one who I’ve refused to hate. And there’s a Friend who died for me, and that’s one am willing to die for…

Musings of PuppyDoc

Poetry & Medicine

Life of Mon

I Life Hard

Art Attack

Discovering art in everything

Chris Martin Writes

Sowing seeds for the Kingdom

Photoshop Tutorials

Photoshop tutorials for beginners to experts. Learn tips and tricks on how to use Photoshop for photo editing, manipulations, designs, and more.

ABSTRACT.THEORIES

Crystal Olisa: A delve into fashion and funny through the eyes of a girl just trying to figure it all out.

smilecalm

Life through mindful media

%d bloggers like this: