Category Archives: Believe it!

Somewhat tough facts of life that are ignored

Unpaused

pause-2935459_1280

The most annoying part of life is time. Not that in itself it’s a nuisance but the fact that you can’t suspend it for a while makes it feels like you’re always rushing; or being rushed , even for the smallest insignificant things. Like menu choices or what socks to wear. Life is a constant stream of events marked by time, one following the other in glorious reluctance, giving the illusion of some form of progress at the very least. Is it  possible to put your life on hold? Seems so; of course that depends on how you define [your] life.

I’m probably not the first man alive to put off plans for the sake of other people. That’s the most general explanation of ‘putting your life on hold’, and is more perceivable. This is known. One of two other form of pausing your life is a subtle form of self sabotage; constantly (or occasionally) getting in your own way, even with good reason.  It took a week of me powering through numerous obstacles to see through a plan I was determined to not renege on; to realize how easy it is to get in my own way just because I feel either the time isn’t right, or the people involved aren’t. At times there are a plethora of reasons I could decide not to do something, even if I feel it right in my gut. Sounds like a ‘comfort zone’ thing but I’ve been out of my comfort zone for a while now. Or comfort zone has become such a cliche it doesn’t mean anything anymore.

At times I wish I wasn’t so ridiculously meticulous, especially at making plans, because with that much detail and ‘dedication’ it becomes very easy to write off plans when things go awry. And I have killed a good number of plans just because things began changing more than I wanted to. Surprisingly, if the plan is for someone else then I don’t mind moving mountains. But when it comes to my own it’s a whole different story. At one point I was asking myself is it just my plans that fumble or, if at all, just bundle themselves over the finish line? Is it some form of ill fate to come up with really good plans and fail miserably at the execution? The saying ‘best laid plans’ had actually become like a mantra, because of how many plans were falling on their heads.

Nothing teaches you the unpredictability of life like the life of a freelancer. You draw up a plan, the client doesn’t want it, you do another, the client agrees, payment is delayed, meaning your payments get delayed; things can go wrong very quickly without some contingencies in place. And this lesson isn’t really a great one particularly for someone who has a knack for predicting things and thrives in stability. Or maybe I’m just not as good as predicting or reading situations as I think.

I remember that week everything around me was just screaming ‘RENEGE! RENEGE!’. But I think something just snapped. Screw the ‘I love it when a plan comes together’ Hannibal tagline. I think I was just done with this perfectionist planning syndrome or whatever. Sitting down, I had a stark realization; the time will never always be right, the situations will never always be ideal and there will always be the risk of failure. Basically, it boils down to this:

How badly do you want this?

And

What are you so afraid of?

Looking at the monster that has its finger on the pause button, I only see three faces. Fear, perfectionism and nonchalance. But once fear is dealt with the rest seem to disappear.

Even with a brick wall there are a number of ways to get round it. The first is to go through it; it hurts, it’s messy, but it gets done. The second is to climb it. Difficult, sweaty, less painful than going through but definitely longer. The third, which I just unlocked recently, is simply to find another route.  There’s always another way.

Thinking about it now, it seems like the people who excel at this game of life aren’t the ones with the perfect plans or situations, but it’s the ones who turn really crappy situations to really great ones.

 

Advertisements

Hotchpotch

pexels-photo-66757.jpeg

Photo by Serkan Göktay from Pexels 

I started this blog not really for people to read, but as a form of release to cope with a campus life that demanded interaction and heavy socialization. Probably that’s why I don’t post as much, or don’t feel the need to. That’s because I’m a freelancer; I have my own hours and prescribe my own social activity. The INFP dream, right? Well yeah, until I took a trip I woke up every morning dreading; a trip that would require me to spend 24 hours with strangers (okay not strangers but people I don’t know very well). 3 people is usually my limit; anything over that my brain goes into hyper-drive – collecting data signals from people, noticing what they’re responding to and how… I don’t even plan to analyse people it just happens. Like don’t ask me why, I’ve been that way for as long as I could start describing things with actual words. The eyes that see all with ears that hear everything; I used to think it was a gift. I won’t say it’s not because it has its perks, but that’s a story for another day.

There’s only one other time I’ve felt this overwhelming urge to write; and that was my Japan trip. Looks like travel really does ‘push’ me to write, among other things. I still find it amazing, what a trip ‘away from it all’ can do for you, or to you. As in there’s taking time off, and there’s really taking time off. Looks like I really needed that; it’s almost like a pipe unclogged somewhere in my mind that let out all sorts of things; some things I never even knew were there. So this is my attempt to ‘let it all out’, amidst a receding  emotional hangover, lest the deadly INFP spirals ensue. Forgive the incoherence.

I am a dreamer. My imagination runs WILD. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that nearly everything I ever thought up could never live up to what I see in my mind. And so with time I developed a [coping?] habit of ‘toning down the fairy tales’ to guard against disappointment, which leads to frustration, which can lead to unwarranted depression. BUT. How often do you form a picture of something, in your mind, or someone, and the reality of it trumps it? Got me questioning my level of creativity –  lol. How is it possible to have the ‘proverbial fairy tale’ image, particularly of a person, totally match up to the person in reality? Have I been given a license to dream  again without restrictions?

Okay the imagination is reactivated now, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is indeed crazy, and crazy being relative means you don’t really know how to ‘let people in’ on what’s going on up there. People all around making jokes and striking up convos, and I’m just there thinking of what would be appropriate. Particularly in the presence of a queen. And then when you finally find a piece of that crazy worth sharing you want to let it out, but you have to choose the words that you don’t stutter with; aaand by the time that’s done you’ve thought so much that you start second-guessing whether it’s worth sharing.

But you see, this dam has been building up for quite a while now. There’s SO FREAKING MUCH to give; loyalty, love, potatoes, care. I have been here before; I opened the spillways just a bit. Yeah like that could happen. INFPs are all in when it comes to giving, to a fault. And the ending is never pretty. It’s ghastly. At one point I was to just board it up completely, till I saw what happens when you aren’t afraid to try. Is this me willing to open the gates? Yes.. No.. I don’t know. What I know is that I’m not afraid anymore.

Well, sitting in a vehicle all looking in the same direction is easy, but then you reach your destination and suddenly you are very aware of your every move. How you’re walking, sitting posture, eating, drinking water. A part of me thinks I’ve been behind cameras for far too long, but another part of me remembers being the poster child of the middle child stereotype. I mean what are the chances that you are the middle child when you count your siblings from your own mum (2nd in 3) AND counting your siblings from your 2 step moms (7th in 13)? The photos I am in are countable; not all of it intentional by the way.. I remember once people went for a party and forgot I was around (huh). I wouldn’t describe myself as a loner; more like a social ninja.

We were in Kitale, my comfort zone was in Timbuktu. Way out there. And just like in Japan, my brain just opened up; like another level just got unlocked with all these new possibilities and thought processes. At one point I was buzzing so much I had to withdraw a little just to recollect myself. It seemed mundane but these are the inner workings no one else could see.

And even amidst all the jubilation, the mental drain from just being around people; I had something I’ve not heard in quite a while. Clarity. Because I was thinking without interruption. Because I had to think everything through, from conversation lines to what to laugh at (huh?)

This isn’t a lamentation. This is a beautiful realization, that the reason I haven’t experienced anything new in the last two years is because I haven’t ‘experienced anything new’. Started out as something I was doing to help out a good friend; turns out I’m the one who got the help I much needed. Help I didn’t even know I needed.

It’s fascinating what your brain can do, when set in a different environment, surrounded by animated camaraderie, in the presence of royalty and no safety net to fall back on.

So, is this what it feels like to be alive again?

Looks like I’m done running.

Hold that line

wolf-519226_640No, I’m not a lone wolf. Wolves aren’t soft and cuddly. Wolves don’t have big and lumbering figures that take three years to make a turn. They’re agile, they’re swift, decisive, always going in for the kill. At least I’d like to think so; if not the better. Oh no, I’m not a wolf. Maybe a bear. Thick. Warm. Makes porridge for the family. Protective. Likes honey. Yeah, something like a bear alright. Would make an excellent coat.
Thing with bears though; they have really thick fur, braving even the longest of winters. That fur isn’t easy to sink teeth into. Or claws. It would take a great deal for a wolf to bring a bear down. A lone wolf surely can’t take the bear.  That’s why he brings friends.

But what did the bear ever do. I’m guessing all the guy did was become extra clingly to a pot of honey. Or probably the wolves weren’t even targeting the bear. They were just out looking for something to chew on and this “monster” decides it isn’t having any of it. For some reason, the bear decides that those “creatures” are its responsibility, and are worth protecting?

This isn’t the first time the bear is taking a last stand. He probably is the patron saint of the last stand. He’s used to it by now. He knows it’s gonna sting. He knows it may not end well. But he plants those trees he calls feet into the ground; and with his most excellent Gandalf impression takes all the punishment and holds that line. No wolf gets past here. Not on his watch.

During battle, the single thought in a soldier’s head is the difference between life and death. Between going home with decorated clad or in a body bag. I’d sure like to know what spurs the bear on. What’s keeps his resolve strong. What makes every scratch, swipe and bite worth it.

Is it that the others get to safety and and live happily ever after? No that can’t be it; they probably aren’t even concerned about him, and may never see him again. Is it the honey pot he’s left at home or the zingy feeling of the snow nursing his wounds with a slight yet addictive sting? Maybe. But I think it’s something more. I think the bear knows the strongest and most fragile force on the planet, and is ready to die if it means he has to protect it. And that force is nothing other than hope.

Hope for a new tomorrow,  hope for a better tomorrow. Hope that this is not the end. Hope that life suck, just for now. Without hope we’re already dead; we’re circling the drain. But with hope, with even the smallest bit of hope, strength is born. Hope is that light guiding you out of the tunnel, without it you’re better off in a hole.

The thing with  lone wolves is that they go into hiding when injured. Too proud to show weakness. It matters how others see them. But not bears. There’s no time for a bear to hide. There’s too much at stake. If they’re breathing they’re dancing with the wolves. They’ll stop when they’re dead.

But does the bear have hope then? Wait, who protects the bear’s hope?

This isn’t about the bear.

Twenty Five Ti

Reflection

photo credit: dawolf- Time to reflect via photopin (license)

Obligatory Birthday Post.

I like how when nVidia releases a graphics card some have the tag ‘Ti’. I don’t even know what it means but a GTX 1080 Ti has a significant performance boost over the GTX 1080 even though they essentially have the same model number. My guess is that the Ti is what the 1080 was supposed to be had they had more time to work on it but PCMR wouldn’t have any of it. So the 1080 is a good, solid card but the Ti is the ‘ascended’ version.

Likewise, because of how the past year has gone I feel it would be better to call this my 25-Ti’th year rather than the 26th. Actually this post would have been labelled ‘Twenty Six’ had I written it on my birthday but after something happened (which I will NOT go into details here, at least for now) I decided to add Ti to previous page.

Not because the previous year of my life totally blew. It was actually one of my best yet. I’m getting a hang of this freelance thing, I put down my foot more often (in spite of my INFP nature wanting to sacrifice more than I should) and I can now converse properly on phone without zoning out, at least for 5 minutes. Of course they are many other things; things have been smooth, manageable and relatively stress free. Even unpaid invoiced don’t frustrate me as much.

But see that’s the problem. You get too comfortable you start coasting. You start coasting you become complacent. You become complacent you remain where you are. The weird thing with this kind of ‘coasting’ is that you don’t even realize it. After all, you’re doing work, you’re pursuing clients; you’re not just letting life pass by. “I’m doing my part, I’m okay.” That’s dangerous. That’s selfish. And more importantly, that’s a far cry from God’s Will.

I’d never really thought about it till last Sunday, when the weirdest thing happened. Have you ever had a full conversation with some that lasted only 1 second? I did. I usually tell people that I can look into someone’s eyes and hear what they are saying regardless of the word coming out of their mouths, or even when they aren’t speaking. But the way the one on Sunday happened I’m still recovering from it.

It’s probably not a good idea to give details of this person (at this stage anyway) but it’s someone I’ve come to respect and have taken an interest in. It was just in passing but one look into this person’s eyes and I was suddenly so aware of how ‘comfortable’ I was. How I was limiting myself. How I wouldn’t push myself if I was okay with what I had.

Is that all? Is this what ‘the great Juniboy’ amounts to?

Probably the greatest turning point in my life was when I finally understood how much God loved me, regardless of my actions. Even if I decided to close up shop and live under a bridge He wouldn’t love me less. But what I had lost sight of was the other people I should be helping, the others I should be blessing, the others that are looking up to me. This isn’t a need to please others. Nor is it peer pressure. In fact I’m actually proud of my ‘peer pressure’-less life. But how unfortunate would it be if you were to die with someone’s miracle in your soul? How awful would it be if I had the solution to World Hunger and I just decided to coast; after all life is great, right? How scary. How terrifying.

So my 25 year was great. I did help out some guys. I did in my small way cause some significant impact. Just like the GTX 1080, which is a great card; a high end graphics churning monster. But it isn’t a Ti, that just churns better, and is the 1080’s true form. One look into this person’s eyes and the message was clear:

Life isn’t just about you anymore.

Weirdly though I think it’s only babies that think everything’s only about them. They don’t care if you just went to sleep after a long day; if he/she wants attention you will respond.

I probably met an angel on Sunday. Oh well. 

Of RPGs, double entendres, baby steps and the whole shebang

image

Right so it’s the last day of the year and that warrants at least one cheesy post.. I wasn’t gonna blog till the next year but this just couldn’t wait. Because timing.

Great year ladies and gentlemen, great year. I started my own venture, gamed a TON, specifically in the RPG (role playing games), and had pizza at least four times. I had pizza twice in 2014 so this is a WIN and I’m HAPPY about it. But more importantly this was the year the universe sat me down at her feet and hammered in some knowledge into my head, hammered it good. They may seem tiny and somewhat mundane but if you really think about them they’ll make you tilt your head slightly to the side and make you nod in a subtle manner. That’s right people. Here are the secrets to the universe. (if not then I ended up in the wrong class and found it surprisingly helpful).

Before I start, remember this is from the view of an INFP 24 year old with limited energy that stammers like crazy at times. Okay here goes.

First, you can get away with almost anything if you’re charming. And it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Think real hard about what your going to say and then say it. Okay, that’s a given but the key is back it with all the confidence you’ve got. All of it. A fool talking with utmost confidence can convince even the wisest of crowds. By playing RPGs you can learn alot and for me I have discovered I have the knack for negotiating and striking good deals without a silver tongue. And by good deal I mean win win deals (the only deals I enjoy making). There is always an option that will leave both satisfied.

Secondly. A weird realization. Double entendres are everywhere. And may wreck your childhood. If you look for the dirt, you are going to find it. Yeah that’s pretty much it.

Thirdly. Baby steps. If the mountain scares you start tearing away pebbles first. Yes, pebbles. Huge tasks are just a set of tiny ones stacked up together chanting “we are legion.” Scared of going out? Start by saying yes to the one friend who keeps asking. Scared of writing? Grab your pen or pencil (love pencils) and just write random words. Heck this post started out that way 🙂 Weirdly they begin to take shape. But you have to start. Just start. Is it a business venture? Register the domain name. You can come back in a few months to it. As long as it’s a step, you’re fine. Some are quick off the tracks, some are slow. Overtaking is allowed. You don’t even have to overtake. All you have to do is move forward and something, bringing me to the fourth point, something will happen! Something always happens; and if you miss the window, just make sure you don’t miss the next one, or the one after that. However be wary of settling for $100,000 when there’s $1,000,000 around the corner.

And lastly. Learn to let go. And this is coming from an INFP; the most clingly people. We have grips stronger than workbench vices. It’s good to believe in people and wait for the good to come up. It’s good to keep hope alive in certain areas. But at times you just have to call it. That energy is better spent elsewhere. Embers can mean something isn’t dead, but they can also mean something is way past its prime and you won’t get much of it anymore.

Summing up, remember that the best is always yet to come. You don’t notice it now but you’re right where you need to be 🙂

Just For You

trees night stars purple silhouette lying down night sky 1920x1200 wallpaper_www.wallpaperhi.com_100

Credit: wallmay.net

I remember that night. I had just gone out for some fresh air. Breathed in, felt the air into my lungs, refresh my soul; my hands were stretched out, eyes looking up gazing into the heavens. And my, what a sight! On this night the starts were peculiarly beautiful . I dashed out to get my camera. I had to capture this. How could anyone not?

I came back hurriedly, getting my settings right; and as i was about to take a photo the battery died. Such disappointment! I really wanted that photo! So I just lay there, imprinting it into my memory; the best I could do. And after I had enough of mosquitoes tingling my legs I wnt back to bed; hoping for a dream of the same.

Now the next day, I went about asking everyone if they saw what I saw. That spectacle. And the only response I got were, ‘No’ and ‘Yeah..’ Nothing more. There were those that didn’t see it, and those who saw it couldn’t care less. But how? I was really disappointed. And confused. Still trying to figure out why no one cared about such beauty.

They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. No, this was not what the universe was trying to teach me. That night again I went out to see if I could go and see what I saw the previous night. Nope! To no avail.

There were stars alright, but seemingly not as beautiful and as breathtaking. I may have been staring at the exact same thing, but the magic was gone. Then I realised it. It was the same spectacle as the previous night; but its magic had been robbed. How? And then the universe pulled out her ruler and pointed to the board; a great epiphany that was.

In this life we’ll see, we’ll feel, we’ll experience, we’ll think up many awesome things; so awesome that we’ll want others to be in the loop, and possibly experience them also like we do. Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing wrong with sharing such experiences, such thoughts, such feelings. But sometimes, such things have limited magic (limited to one person, you). Sometimes such things are meant for you and you alone; not you and your friends, not you and your family and not even you and your significant other. Such magical experiences, such inspirational moments, are meant just for you.

Just. For. You.

The Ghosts of my Childhood Past

ImageYes, I was young. But I was not foolish. With eyes that see everything, and an intuition that cuts sharper than any wind chakra coated blade, I was constantly putting myself at the front lines, absorbing information from all angles. Yes, I was curio. Only because I hated not knowing; being in the dark. But as a child you only have so much processing capability; there’s all this data coming in but you don’t know what to do with it. So it just sits there, waiting for you to either understand it, or forget it. And I don’t forget.

The data sat in that cauldron, mutating from time to time, but just as dormant. And then one day, you begin to see patterns. You find missing gaps; and you attempt to fill them. Instinctively, you dip your hands into that cauldron, despite screams from the dark matter to leave it alone. You don’t listen. You dive right in. And suddenly everything is clear.Clearer than ever. That crystallizing moment. When you discover all you saw, all you know, allyou had been told, isn’t what you had believed. Your very foundation of existence totally shaken to the core. No, this is not the rag being pulled from underneath you. This is the floor literally disappearing from where you’re standing. Then you begin to fall. Voices grow faint The light diminishes, getting farther and farther till it vanishes. Oh, the irony!

And you reach a point, where you’re not sure if your still falling. You’ve been there for so long you just don’t care. For the dark matter mutates one last time; bearing its final form. The immortal ghosts that will haunt you forever. They will be with you. Because you gave them life. Reminding you of what you have done; how cruel this world is, keeping you from growing forward; from opening that door. For you feel you have enough of them already. Oh, the truth is grizzly.

Some things are better off left unsaid. Even if it’s the truth. For the sake of sanity. And stability.

Choose

Courtesy: calebcompany.org

Everyone must choose their own path. In a world where we’ve only one life left to live you must be sure of what you’re doing; where you’re going; how you’re going to accomplish it. It is foolish to follow another on their own path; that way you may be mocking the reason for your existence. If you’re foolish enough to choose a path simply because another chose it, doesn’t it mean you’ve given up on yourself? What is the purpose of being born with separate lives if we all end up taking the same path? It would be better if we were all conjoined into one soul. 

But because we each have different souls in different bodies, we must choose the path that we’ll live by, and follow it to the end. Having no regrets, and being prepared to face the consequence of the path chosen. No matter the path, your death must find you grinning. Now, choose.

Weakness and Strength

Strong and weak. In a sense no one or nothing is necessarily strong or weak. Classifying as strong simply means that a weak point hasn’t been found yet; and classifying as weak means that the weak point is fully exposed. So strength and weakness can both be varied by how well we exploit both our own and other’s weaknesses to our advantage. This can also mean that the weak have a better advantage over the strong because the weak have their weak point revealed and can learn to manage it, while the strong may have no idea whatsoever on what has the capacity to damage them; only to damage them when they least expect it. Then again luck is a part of one’s strength.

Forgive. Forget?

Yeah! My first post after a looong while, huh? A lot of stuff came up; like school, gaming, more gaming…you know. But yeah, I’ll be posting more regularly because I’ve finally rediscovered my writing style (after losing it apparently); lemme just say being yourself is harder than it sounds. And I’m not kidding.

So, I think I inherited the ‘forgetful’ gene from my mum. Sure, everyone forgets once in a while; but some more than others. If you leave water on the cooker while making rice and totally forget only to remember when you hear ‘paranormal sounds’ coming from the kitchen, yeah, your case of forgetfulness is a special one. If you haven’t reached there then you’re okay; you shouldn’t worry. Why? Because forgetting isn’t easy.

I grew up with people around me always saying “Forgive and forget, that’s the best way to live”. Especially after they’ve done something wrong. But can we really forget something that has affected you in one way or the other? Can you really erase an emotional rubber stamp from your memory completely?

Lemme back up a little. I read in a book (hah, can’t remember which one; but I did) that we can easily recall fun times because of that happy feeling generated. That warmness in your heart is what registers the whole event in your memory, not the event itself. In fact, depending on the awesome time you had, the moment someone says the word ‘fun’ you could reflect to that moment. The same goes for sad times. That down feeling will make you remember the event whenever someone mentions the word ‘sad’.

So, telling someone to forget that you did them wrong is a tall order. A very tall one. They CAN forgive you, but don’t think they won’t remember. That memory will still linger. Tears can dry, but that doesn’t change the fact that they came out. So long as some emotion was evoked somewhere then *bam* rubber stamp. Usually (though not all the time) the things we forget are because there was no feeling towards it. Frankly, when I want to remember something I first remember how it made me feel and then it resurfaces. You should try it! But when I can’t remember how I felt, chances are pretty high it’s not in my memory.

I hope this’ll make you handle relationships more delicately (they are fragile after all). One mistake can make everything up. Also, the fact that someone still remembers a mistake you made doesn’t mean they are ‘dwellers of the grim past’; give them a chance to heal. It’s the best you can do.

It’s almost impossible to forgive and forget, but it’s definitely possible to forgive and get over it.

Ruby Rose Creations

Tips and Tricks on Growing Beautiful Red Roses

Phoebe, MD: Medicine & Poetry

Health | Inspiration | Life

Life of Mon

I Life Hard

Art Attack

Discovering art in everything

Chris Martin Writes

Sowing seeds for the Kingdom

Photoshop Tutorials

Photoshop tutorials for beginners to experts. Learn tips and tricks on how to use Photoshop for photo editing, manipulations, designs, and more.

%d bloggers like this: